Since world leaders cannot resolve their differences, we should send them off to a remote island. In the tradition of the television show Survivor, they could fight, twist arms and otherwise create alliances so as not to be voted off the island. The winner, selected from the two finalists by the rest of the group, would be crowned “Boss of the Earth.”
Imagine an island with the following leaders: President George W. Bush of the United States, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain, President Jacques Chirac of France, President Saddam Hussein of Iraq, General Secretary Kim Jong Il of North Korea and Osama bin Laden.
Immediately Bush challenges the credentials of bin Laden. “He was never elected to be a leader.”
“Neither were you,” retorts bin Laden as he walks away.
Blair takes Bush aside and tells him, “Right idea, wrong strategy, Mr. President. We have got to approach Chirac and get him on board about getting bin Laden. Then we are guaranteed at least a tie in the first vote.”
Bush replies, “I have been telling my people how horrible Hussein is. Let’s pick on him first.” Blair shrugs his shoulder and the two men wander off to talk to Chirac.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Kim, Hussein and bin Laden quickly agree to go after Bush for calling them “evil.” Kim says, “I now know why Bush says he is a ‘uniter, not a divider.’ He unites us in our hatred of him.”
That evening they gather before a fire. Hussein asks, “Who will count the votes?”
“Not Bush!” the rest say in unison.
“Let’s write our votes down and show them to one another at the same time,” says Chirac. So, each pulls out a scrap of paper and writes a name down. Predictably, bin Laden, Hussein and Kim vote for Bush, while Bush and Blair vote for Hussein. Chirac’s, however, has no name on it.
“I thought you were on our side,” Bush whines to Chirac, who says, “My support for you ended when you and Blair urged a preemptive strike on Hussein.”
A black helicopter touches down in the fields nearby. Out steps Al Gore, who tries to console Bush. "Hey, the vote was pretty close. I was going to ask for a recount, but then I remembered you don't like those."
Bush storms past Gore and onto the helicopter. The two of them fly off to get some pretzels and wait for the rest of the contest.
Not long afterwards, bin Laden, Hussein and Kim meet to discuss the next vote. Bin Laden suggests Chirac, but Hussein balks. "That guy's nation has given me so many weapons!" Bin Laden walks out and looks for a place where he can work on a tape recording.
Blair and Chirac attempt to patch up their differences. "We have no chance if we do not vote for the same person," says Blair.
"Now that the cowboy isn't here telling us about Hussein, I say we get bin Laden," responds Chirac.
At the next vote, the five of them show their votes: bin Laden for Chirac, Hussein and Kim for Blair and Blair and Chirac for bin Laden. With a tie in the voting, each man stares at the rest of the group in silence.
Then Blair speaks up. "We Britons like to play games. Years ago, my people started to use the very remedy for the situation at hand. The two people tied simply make a fist and on the count of three they pretend their fingers are paper, rock or scissors."
"Everyone knows that game," says bin Laden. "OK, count of three."
Blair calculates and decides to go for scissors. Bin Laden, thinking Blair a "rock" type, goes for paper. Blair wins the tie-breaker and gets to stay on the island.
A group of Al Qaeda members carry bin Laden to the nearest cave so that he can finish his recording while he waits for the conclusion of the contest.
Shortly thereafter, Kim and Hussein engage in a fight. "You have been trying to steal the limelight from me," says Hussein. To which Kim replies, "My missiles are bigger than yours."
Hussein and Kim part company. Hussein walks toward the area where Blair and Chirac are staying.
"What are you doing here, Saddam?" asks Blair.
"I am invading you."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I guess it's a bad habit."
"Well, don't let the door bang you on the way out."
At the following vote, Blair and Chirac vote for Hussein. Hussein votes for Blair and Kim votes for Chirac.
Hussein refuses to leave. "A majority of us did not vote for me. And majority rules!"
"Are you becoming a sudden convert to democracy, Saddam?" asks Blair.
"I am beginning to understand it now. Anyway, I think I put a motion on the floor. What do you three have to say about it?"
Kim speaks up. "I am used to dictating to other people. But I am getting the hang of voting and I kind of like it. Let's all reveal who are second choices are."
"Oh yes. I think you are referring to Instant Runoff Voting. Good call, Kim!" says Blair.
So they agree to vote for second choices and add those votes to the first vote. Blair and Chirac vote for Kim, Hussein votes for Chirac and Kim votes for Hussein.
Hussein gives in this time. A group of Republican Guards, led by Trent Lott, whisk him away to an underground bunker to await the contest's results.
Kim approaches Chirac a little later. "You've been kind of quiet, Jacques. What do you say we make a deal?"
"What kind of deal do you have in mind, Kim?"
"You and I vote off Mr. Blair. You'll be a sure bet to beat me in the final vote."
"What's in it for you?"
"Absolutely nothing. I'm a communist, not a capitalist. Remember?"
"Sounds great. We French have never fared well against England, anyway."
At the next vote, Blair votes for Kim and Kim and Chirac vote for Blair.
Blair is speechless. Meanwhile, Bush comes back to take Blair for tea. "I got tired of hanging around with Al Gore. He kept calling me 'snippy.'"
After Blair and Bush share some tea, all of the players gather around a fire to discuss the final vote between Chirac and Kim. All of them, that is, except for Osama bin Laden. He had an underling deliver a videotape.
As they play the videotape in which bin Laden endorses Kim, the other three show their votes. Hussein votes for Chirac. Bush and Blair vote for Kim.
Says Bush to Chirac, "Serves you right for stabbing Tony and I in the back."
Chirac replies, "You crazy cowboy! You've just put a communist in control of the world!"
"What's a communist?"
Meanwhile, Hussein says to Kim, "I am sorry we had our differences. But we both see what democracy really is: getting even with people we do not like and then kissing up later on to those who win the vote."
"Looking for a job, Saddam? I get to start appointing people to assist me in carrying out my plan for the world."
"I don't want a job. I just want to give you some advice."
"Tell me."
"If you do something I do not like, I want to vote on it."
"You're on."